~ Futter fuer meine Essstoerung!

IMG_20181208_185615_132.jpg
„Your Poison running through my vains“

Es wird sich nichts veraendert haben, bis auf meine Einstellung.. Meine Perspektive. Ich bin diejenige, die an sich arbeiten kann. Diejenige, die etwas an sich veraendern kann, nicht an den anderen, nicht an meiner Familie. Ich weiss nicht, wie sinnvoll es ist wirklich zurueck gehen zu wollen, ich weiss nicht, ob das gut gehen wird. Genauso wenig weiss ich, ob es eine Loesung waere oder gar eine Option sei. Ich war mir sicher, dass ich unbedingt nach Hause moechte, zwar nicht jetzt, aber vielleicht in 6 bis 7 Monaten. Im Moment weiss ich nur nicht mehr, was ich tatsaechlich wollen wuerde.. Was ich fuer diesen Moment moechte. Das Maedchen aus der Klinik von damals geht mir nicht aus dem Kopf, denn die Neue triggert mich extrem.. Sie ist viel zu lieb zu mir fuer diese Verhaeltnisse. Sie solle mich nicht moegen, denn das macht es lediglich schwerer fuer mich. Meine Familie wuerde das nicht verstehen. Abgrenzen, weg gucken, wuerde es heissen. In meinen Augen heisst dies verstecken und fluechten. Futter fuer meine Essstoerung. Erinnert ihr euch daran, wie ich einmal sagte, dass dies theoretisch alles in Kindesalter begonnen hat? Das meinte Fr.M damals und bis heute schwirrt es durch meine Seele.. Reisst mir ein bisschen Lebensenergie aus meiner Brust, weil es zu schmerzhaft ist, um es auszuhalten. Es ist beangstigend und irgendwie frustrierend.. Diese Tatsache verschwindet nicht.. Laesst mich nicht los, wie ein Stein an einem Ballon befestigt ist.

~Paralyzed-soul🐧

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Autor: paralyzedsoul

In diesem persoenlichen Blog geht es mir hauptsaechlich darum mein Innenleben nach aussen zu tragen und es mit Menschen zu teilen, die sich vielleicht darin wiederfinden koennen. Ich hatte lange darueber nachgedacht ueber meine Anorexie und das, was fuer mich damit im Zusammenhang steht, zu schreiben, da ich noch nicht an dem Punkt angelangt bin, der meine Stimmen verstummen laesst.

11 Kommentare zu „~ Futter fuer meine Essstoerung!“

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